Fraternize
by Bokunenjin
Summary: Crackfic. An overprotective Komui fears that Lenalee is doing *that* and he responds accordingly.


Main Entry: **frat·er·nize**  
Pronunciation: \ˈfra-tər-ˌnīz\

Function: _intransitive verb_

Inflected Form(s): **frat·er·nized**; **frat·er·niz·ing**

Date: 1611

**1** **:** to associate or mingle as brothers or on fraternal terms

But we all know how it's usually slanged around...

I researched 19th century birth control for another fic. This got in my head. .. yeah.

Rated for Komui's mind. What's with crackfics taking over my brain, oi. Could be set whenever, really. Probably early.

**UPDATED**: I give up, too many people have messaged me about not getting the hidden joke. Bad bad, know your birth control better if a (very bookworm nerdy) prude like me knows!) Spoiler at the very end.

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She was having sex. He was _sure_ of it.

Nooo! His Lenalee!

Komui was pacing. He was past screaming and crying. Well, no, he kept crying from an impressive reservoir of tears but now he was trying to think. His employees, his _stupid, insensitive_ employees had locked him in one of the holding cells.

He was going to castrate them all. Yes, yes, new requirement for all men of the Order! … Oh. He thought about that a moment and actually felt squeamish. Maybe not _all._

What to do, what to do… He grabbed the bars and drooped. It was all doomed. He couldn't fight them all off, and his sweet, dear, adorable sister did so seem to love fraternizing with her male colleagues that he didn't know what to do. He should have let her get married. Yes, yes. Even that would be better. "Leeenaleee," he cried, and his mind wandered.

Maybe it wasn't all so bad, the frayed edges of his sanity reasoned. There would be… oh, yes! There would be _mini_ Lenalees. Oh! He beamed at the sight in his mind's eye: Lenalee surrounded by laughing, miniature versions of herself. Perhaps it wasn't all bad!

One of the Lenalees in his vision popped, and suddenly it had white hair. And a scar. It giggled very cutely, but it sounded demonic to Komui.

Komui screamed, but the he couldn't get it out of his head and suddenly all the mini Lenalees were popping and being replaced by red-headed pirate wannabes, scowling black ponytails, and more giggling albinos.

"I WON'T ALLOW IT!" he screamed, slamming his fist resolutely against the wall. A strangely silent second passed before he dropped and clutched his nearly broken hand.

The world was against him and after his sister, he was sure of it.

"Oi, Supervisor," Reever called out, looking rather warily into the chamber. "Are you sane yet?"

A long moment passed and Reever was starting to get worried when Komui appeared quietly at the front of the cell, his hands tucked neatly behind his back in what looked a very formal pose. "_Absolutely._"

He smiled.

* * *

It was normal in the cafeteria. Allen had ridiculous amounts of food, Lavi was making jokes, and Lenalee would laugh when Allen turned green at something particularly off-color the older boy said. Really, they had no reason to suspect the slightest thing was off.

When her brother burst into the room cheering her name in that delighted sing-song he had, she had to sigh wearily to herself but smile at his arrival. She started to ask him why he was here, given that earth-encompassing smile and joyful bounce in his step, but she didn't have the chance.

He bounded up to her and jabbed a needle in her arm.

The silence was palpable. Allen had even dropped the bagel he had as all anyone could do who had noticed was stare in stunned silence at the now wide-eyed Lenalee and beaming Komui.

"Brother…" she managed finally, not quite able to focus her eyes on him. "What… was that?"

"I call it Daddy's Emergency Protection One!" he cheered at her, oblivious. "I've decided it's ok that you're having sex, but now you'll be safe!"

There was the mass clattering of utensils being dropped.

They didn't ask what the shot did. They didn't need to. But after the deathly silence was broken by the reverberating _crack_ of Lenalee slapping her brother, everyone in the room who cared or needed an excuse to smash in their supervisor's face had leapt at Komui.

* * *

The room was mostly empty now, the horde having gone off in various states of detainment, revenge, and destruction. Jerry stood at his post at the window and just stared, not quite comprehending how his cafeteria had gone from full to desolate _that_ fast.

Kanda sat with perfect posture, his silence quite loud as she slowly walked over, hovered for a moment, and then wordlessly sat next to him.

"…" Kanda glowered from the corner of his eye at Lenalee, still not moving. "What?"

She didn't say anything and instead continued to stare steadfastly down at the table. After a moment, he broke posture and sighed in annoyance, sliding his soba tray in front of her. Lenalee continued to stare for a moment, then picked up the chopsticks. "You at least know I'm not, right?" she asked quietly, still looking down at the soba.

He turned to stare at her somewhat testily for a moment before looking away with an exasperated sound. "Don't be stupid."

She smiled at that, and helped herself to some of the soba.

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If you didn't _really_ catch what Komui called the shot, stare at it until you do. Staaaare at iiiiiit.

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(D)addy's (E)mergency (P)rotection (O)ne.  
DEPO  
... *makes nerdy shrugging motions* It's one of the more popular forms of birth control we have at the moment. That was the joke.


End file.
